Monday, 7 September 2009

IN CHRONIC PRAISE OF : AKON

Whilst rolling in my six-four this summer I have been continually impressed by the standard of the radio1 A-list. While I cant really convincingly claim that I have much love for Pitbull and his attempt to unite the world with his multi cultural "1 2 3 4 " followed by "1 2 3 4" in Spanish, a la Sesame Street. My favourite line from this song (which is probably worthy of a whole blog on it's own) is;

"Mami got an ass like a donkey, with a monkey Look like King Kong"
Pitbull 2009

Black Eyed Peas have once again upped their game, a song that fits the brief "SUMMER ANTHEM" so precisely I have to wonder why it isn't on repeat on Radio1 all day erryday, admittedly the song loses its way towards the end (NO ONE GOES OUT ON SATURDAYS REALLY, ESPECIALLY NOT ENOUGH TO NECESSITATE SINGING IT TWICE??).
I guess I'm going to have to give some props to Dizzee Rascal for the most unashamedly try-hard song of the summer, if not ever. In fact Dizzee lad in his quest to make the cheeky-chappiest feel goodest sunburnt club banger of the summer which is literally the musical equivalent of a Club Rep stealing all the VK Blues and corrupting young lasses.
But without doubt the standout radio moment of the summer comes (as ever) from AKON, RnB's most ridiculous lad.

"I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful "

These are definitely the words of a man with his heart in the right place, a man who can't help but do the completely wrong thing, a man ladies and gentlemen who we need in our lives and hearts forever. He then follows this noble statement (and by follow, i mean in the same bloody breath) with;

"The way that booty movin' I can't take no more"

At least we know he's tryna find the words, but that however is what youtube would call a FAIL. I think anyone who has seen that video (i dont really want to link to it..) of Akon dry humping that 15yr old girl on stage to within an inch of her life will understand why this song was probably needed, and it is delivered with such style. The most half arsed apology of all time, I think the drumbeat is even one of the worst ever. The general jist of this apology is

"yeah sorry, but really it wasnt my fault, and that bitch had it coming anyway"

Thats not a quote, this is though:

"I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
For the embarrassment that she felt
Just a little young girl trying to have fun
Her daddy should never let her out that young
I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
Enter 21 you know the club they say"

Theres so much gold in here that i cant really go into it, in fact, i'll probably write my dissertation on that very stanza. A line dissing a clubs bloody management style? It does not get any better than that. How were you to know AKON? theres no possible way, If she was over 21 this would have been fine. Shit, she would have been bloody lucky to get the hand "she was dealt". THUS i feel this song is the ultimate manpology:

Manpology:
NOUN
A way of apologising, most often to a woman in a way that accepts no responsibility for the act that one is apologising for, possibly even trying to pass the blame onto the recipient of the apology.


This also makes Akon in someways the ultimate man, and it is only fitting that I close this celebration of him with some of his own words.

"Damn girl
Damn you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Damn you'se a sexy bitch
Damn girl"

Damn indeed Akon, Damn indeed.

xx

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