Thursday, 6 May 2010


ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK is a cheeky little bugger of a game, it sucks you in with the promise of fulfilling your dreams, then shoots you down in a blaze of flames when you're reactions are a split second too slow. At first I was pretty rubbish at it, in fact for a few months my below 10,000 scores would be the source of much mirth to my peers as well as the subject of awful nightmares. It was suggested by a friend after one particularly painful night that I should seek aid for my problem, he handed me a rainbow print business card with a phone number on the back. I rang straight away.
The voice on the end of the phone sounded like that of a broken man, yet there was something in his squeaks and coughs that I craved, it was truly the voice of a man who had grasped his dreams. He whispered motivational messages to me as well as technical tips. For example, it is much more beneficial to trigger Z and X with the middle fingers of one's hands than to use a single hand, or god forbid the index finger (LOL).
Slowly my scores began to increase, I advanced from a Beginner to an Amateur in my Sensei's eyes, I learned this was indicated by whether the game was played on Mute or not. (A Beginner plays with the music off, an Amateur can afford to play without the music, while Professionals and Experts play with the song blazing as loud as is possible). There was something hollow about this steady progression that I couldn't put my finger on , though I was getting more stars than ever I felt no closer to reaching my dreams. It dawned on me that maybe I never would.

Until I got this fucking wicked run.

Its so epic and ridiculous I heard that James Cameron is going to make a film of it. That will be sick right?

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